View from an adult transracially adopted woman's perspective

Will you first tell us a little about yourself and your family?

Ola: When I was two years old, my twin sister and I were adopted transracially out of Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I also have a sister five years younger, who was born to my adoptive parents. When I was almost seven, I moved to Calgary, Alberta. I had a rough childhood when it came to fitting in, belonging to a group, and being able to relate with anyone. As I looked around me to see what I could find that I could relate to or with, it became apparent that there was not a lot that was out there for me. I have struggled during this life for many years, not knowing who I was and where I belonged. I found that many other adoptees that I spoke with had similar experiences of not belonging and of feeling lost within their worlds. I decided that the children of today needed to have a resource that could help guide them through the issues that so many transracial adoptees appear to go through. Being that the stories stem from personal experiences of my being an adoptee, I believe that the children will be able to feel a connection with my being the author who actually went through the same feelings, questions, emotions, and problems that they will go through. The books that I have to offer to the children are a series that I wish I could have had as I was growing up. Having the opportunity to work through the ups and downs of all the various questions, feelings, and emotions that are explored in these books will help the children as they grow, rather than when they are grown.

Heidi Kristall (Inland Empire, CA)
What would have helped you as a younger child? What do you wish that your parents would have added or done differently in regards to race?


Ola: Something that would have helped me as a younger child would have been more supportive parents. My parents didn’t put a lot of time or effort into ensuring that I felt okay as an adoptee, let alone a transracial adoptee. I wish that my parents had actually acknowledged my race as something that I had to deal with. I didn’t realize that I would go through the racism that I had to because my parents never made it an issue or concern for me. There were times when my parents would snap at people with angry comments about my being an adopted child and that embarrassed me more than helped me feel good about one, being adopted, and two, being black. Being that I am black, I think that race is a huge issue for a child to have to all of a sudden deal with on her/his own. Having the support, words of encouragement, and love from my parents would have helped me face the racism and, ultimately, my own identity, a lot easier than I was able to.


Shannon Watson (Chicago, IL)
What pressure, if any, do you feel to conform with the ideals of any of your racial backgrounds? (For example, if you are AA raised by a CC family, do you feel pressure to be "more black", or Asian raised by an AA family, "more Asian") And if you do feel that pressure, how do you handle it?


Ola: As I was growing up, the pressure that I felt to be “more black” was actually really important to me when I would meet other black people. I didn’t understand the foods that they ate and sometimes the different clothes that they wore or their accents. I remember that most black people that I met had a different attitude towards me when I said that I didn’t know what they were talking about when it came to certain foods or music. Having been raised in a very white, country music city, the exposure to anything black was virtually non-existent and I didn’t have the support of parents who were willing to show me anything that had anything to do with black culture. As I continued to mature, I found myself drawn more and more towards things that were black - clothes, foods, books, art, music, movies and even starting to collect items for whenever I would have children of my own. I felt it was important to make sure that I had some things that made me feel like I was black, that I “got it.”


Kelly Haden Farrington (Baltimore, MD)
How important do you feel it is to have a sibling of the same race in the family?

Ola: Having a sibling of the same race can be very beneficial for a child if done in a way that helps promote some sort of bond between them. I was adopted with my twin sister and even though we lived together, we were separated so that we would be individuals. So essentially, we both had to deal with our own problems when it came to racism, being left out, bully attitudes from those around us, and a sense of isolation. I was hurt by the fact that we were not able to rely on each other when it came to those times of isolation that I felt at school and at activities. Even though my sister and I did not have each other for the support that I would have liked, we did have each other to relate to when it came to dealing with any hair and skin issues. Having someone that can relate with a child who is different than the parents is very helpful for the children, especially when growing up in an area that is nor very populated with people of the same race as the child.


Natalie Runyan (Wichita, KS)
What are the main things you feel like you missed out on as a child, teenager, and adult, culturally and otherwise? What are some of the best and worst things your parents ever did, said, etc in regards to race and adoption? If there was one thing your parents could have done differently, what would you have them do?

Ola: The main thing that I felt like I missed out on as I was growing up and becoming an adult was true love from my family. I know that they loved me but I was always shoved away, told to be quiet, or told to go away. I never felt like I was wanted in my family. Culturally, I missed out on all of it. My parents didn’t have the resources that are available to parents nowadays and so they didn’t do anything for me that would help me to develop some sort of connection to any culture at all. I was not exposed to anything as a child or a teenager so I had to find it on my own as a young adult. The hair issues that I went through didn’t seem to matter to my mother and so it was really up to me to look into finding out about the variety of hairstyles that black people wore. Looking back, I realize that my family did not do me any favours when it came to my hair. I did not have the opportunities that young black girls have today with parents that are willing to take their children into black hair salons to get their hair done. My hair was a mess until I finally had enough money of my own to go and get something done about it myself. I don’t think it was until about eighth grade that I saved all of my baby-sitting money to get my natural hair in braids, no extensions - for me it was amazing to have a hairstyle that was so new and the experience of being in a shop with black people was a huge culture shock for me - to see and hear so many people that looked like me talking about hair, food, clothes and such was great. I knew that this is what I needed, this is what I was missing in m life experiences and I didn’t want to lose that. From that day on, I knew that I would be going to black hair salons for my black experiences. It wouldn’t be until I was in grade eleven that I would try my hat at braid extensions and then I was in heaven. I found a style that I could leave in for months and it stayed looking great. My mom’s reaction to my hair was never one of real interest - her comments were always that she liked my hair better when I would cut it short, shaved off really. It was never one of happiness towards my being happy with what I liked.

I remember one incident that happened with my mother and race issues. MY sisters and I were going to the movie theatre with my mom and we were in line to pay. The person at the ticket counter asked if my mom was paying for all of us or only for herself and my younger sister. Well, my mom freaked out and said of course she was paying for all of us - we were her children too - just because we were black didn’t mean that we weren’t her kids - she was really angry with this person for even mentioning it. Another time, my mom and I were having an argument and I was upset with her for always having me do everything around the house even though there were three of us girls to do stuff. I think the reason that I will never forget this is because it really hurt when she said it. She said to me “The only reason I adopted you was so that I could have a slave.” I remember being so sad and hurt by that comment.

Tricia Obester
What were your experiences throughout school related to your adoption? Any positive/negative things your teachers did?


Ola: My sister and I were never sent to our preschool at the same time, nor were we sent to the same schools when it came time to attend. So, even though we had each other to be with when we were at home, we both had our own issues to deal with at school, on our own. Being alone at school was very hard for me and very sad. I don’t think separating my sister and I was very beneficial as it left me feeling alone, in my own world. At my school, I was picked on, teased and told that I couldn’t play with the other kids. I was pushed around and hurt by other children. I remember being singled out by teachers as well.

While sitting in an assembly, a boy in my second grade class kept teasing me and was calling me names. I ignored him for a long time but I finally got really upset. I was mad and crying and so I hit him. The teacher grabbed me, took me to the office and told me that I had no right to pick on other children and that I was going to get the strap from the principal for my bad behavior. I told her what had happened and she didn’t believe me. In the end, I was the one who got the strap and detention. My dad’s reaction was that of anger and I can’t even remember what my mom’s reaction was. I just remember feeling really bad for getting in trouble at school and then for getting in trouble at home. After that incident, I never shared another story about mistreatment at school with my family again.

It was very tough going to school where I was treated unfairly and was constantly singled out. I didn’t have any teachers that helped me through any of the issues I was experiencing because at the time, I don’t think the teachers knew enough about adoption or about transracial adoptees and what types of things that they can experience and need some guidance with. In grade six, another brown girl came to my school and we became friends. It was exciting for me to see that there really were other people like my sister and I. I didn’t recognize that my sister was a resource for me because we weren’t together to share our experiences at school. I rarely spoke about anything that happened to me as I was afraid of what repercussions may come from my family.

How important was it growing up for your parents to recognize and acknowledge your ethnicity? Did they make sure you had people in your life that were Korean. Did they celebrate Korean holidays, make special foods or anything like that?


Ola: When I was growing up my parents did not want to recognize and acknowledge my ethnicity. They did not have anyone in our lives that were of another race at all. I grew up among the whitest of white redneck cowboys in the prairies of Alberta, Canada. I had no body to relate to except what I saw on television, the one time I met someone in sixth grade, and then what I had to learn on my own. There were no celebrations regarding who I was, who I may be, or anything different in our house. Celebrations were the same at our house as they were next door. I had nothing to go on when it came to knowing anything about my ethnicity which was very hard and confusing for me as I became a young adult.

Being a grandparent, I was wondering if you would comment on the influence or importance of extended family members in your life, especially in developing the bonds of love between you and your family.


Ola: So, don’t get me wrong with the answers that I gave. I know that I was very fortunate to have the family that I had when I was growing up. I had a roof over my head, clothes to wear, books to read, gifts and activities to experience. Having said that, I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could have had a family that had actually wanted me for me, a family that loved me no matter what, and believed in me and what potential I had and could have. MY parents thought they did the best that they could. I personally didn’t think very much of it was the best and now with my own children, I do so many things differently. I do not want my children growing up thinking that I don’t believe in them, love them or want the best for them. The attitude towards them will always be one of pride and confidence in all that they can do because I know that I missed those qualities in my parents when I was growing up. The book series that I have in the works will help all children to believe in themselves, in who they are inside, and to rely on what is right for them not what is going on around them. Not all children are lucky enough to have parents that care about what is happening in the everyday for their children. By having this series being available in schools and libraries, it will still give all of those children the opportunity to read them when the parents won’t provide them with their own copy at home.