View from an adult transracially adopted man’s perspective

The Color of Family: Will you first please share with us a little about your self, and your family..

Ben: Hello everyone. I am a 28 year old male. I was adopted from Korea at the age of 6. My adopted family is Caucasian. I am currently in the United States Army working as an Accountant. This is the first time publicly sharing my adoption experience and i am rather private about it, but I hope that what I say can have a positive impact on future adoptees and families looking to adopt.

Heidi Kristall (Inland Empire, CA)
What would have helped you as a younger child? What do you wish that your parents would have added or done differently in regards to race?

Ben: I was 6 years old when I was adopted and I have full memories of that day when I was taken away from my family. I knew I didn’t belong to the people that were adopting me and had no idea why I was there. I always thought that I would eventually go back to my family; I thought it was a temporary situation. What would of helped the most is to have someone there that could speak Korean or someone of the same ethnicity to relate to. Korean culture and American culture are very different. I don’t truly believe that my family had an understanding of those differences. Whatever that they saw as being different, I was scolded and hit to correct those changes to the American way. I wish they supported who I was and also taught me the American way at the same time. I had issues with this
image as I grew up.


Shannon Watson (Chicago, IL)
What pressure, if any, do you feel to conform with the ideals of any of your racial backgrounds? (For example, if you are AA raised by a CC family, do you feel pressure to be "more black", or Asian raised by an AA family, "more Asian") And if you do feel that pressure, how do you handle it?

Ben: Very good question. No doubt that what type of family you are raised in, you will act and think as that race. There is a saying among the Korean-American community "Twinkie". Yellow on the outside, white in the inside. I had lost all that had anything to do with my Korean heritage. Only the memories of what I remember and as time went on, even those became vague. Seeing I was the only Asian in my 99% dominant Caucasian school, it wasn’t too difficult to fit in. Since I acted Caucasian, my mind and personality fit in okay. It wasn’t until I moved my sophomore year to Augusta, Ga when I had to actually choose who to side with. In my new school there were lots of Koreans. Since the Caucasian students didn’t know me there and they were exposed to Asians, they automatically assumed that I was Asian and did not choose to associate with me. So it was then that I became Korean again and re-learned my culture. It didn’t matter to them that I acted like a "Twinkie" they were understanding and did their best to teach me. As I grew closer to them and started to understand my culture again, I felt like I was where I belong. Growing up I acted a certain way to fit in with the non-Asian kids, but never really felt like it was me. I felt out of place and had self-esteem issues because of it.Now I act more Asian out of comfort because it seems natural to me, but doesn’t mean that I forgot my other half of my upbringing. I guess I have the best of both worlds.

Kelly Haden Farrington (Baltimore, MD)
How important do you feel it is to have a sibling of the same race in the family?

Ben: I believe if at all possible, to adopt two siblings together. Being adopted by someone of the different race is pretty emotional and traumatic. It is best to adopt them as a baby, rather then a few years of age. I always felt alone in the world and nobody knew how I felt. Ive met several other adopted kids and no matter what race they were, we seem to have this understanding and bond that was unsaid. This is because we all go through the same emotions and we knew it without saying it. Just to have someone that understood how I felt would of made living life a lot better and gave me courage to be able to do it.


Natalie Runyan (Wichita, KS)
What are the main things you feel like you missed out on as a child, teenager, and adult, culturally and otherwise? What are some of the best and worst things your parents ever did, said, etc in regards to race and adoption? If there was one thing your parents could have done differently, what would you have them do?

Ben: I could probably write an whole essay on your question. I have not talked to my American family since I graduated from High School. I moved out on my own and have been on my own ever since. Growing up was not easy for me. I had a very abusive mother that liked to hit me every chance she got. Wait, hit isn’t the word, more like beat up to bloody noses and getting kicked and picked up by my neck...I look back at those times I got hit, I would say that most of them are things that kids do just because they are kids. She was a strict Catholic and she was raised in an abusive family as well. So it only made sense to her to do the same. 12 years of physical and mental abuse was enough for me. I am just beginning to come to terms with it and to move on. When she wasn’t doing that, it was fun and a good family, but I was in constant fear all the time. So I feel I missed out a lot on being a kid. I had a newspaper route that I started at 9 years of age and woke up at 5:30 every morning that I delivered before going to school. With that job I paid for my own clothes and school supplies. I’m sorry for rambling on, I guess that question just got me all worked up, but to answer your question, the worse things they did was being abusive, always telling me that I’m lucky to be alive because of them, telling me that she could always hit me harder because she didn’t have that emotional connection by giving birth to me. The best things they did were, teach me how to have a hard work ethic, and taught me to be tough. I cant say they were all bad, because when I wasn’t getting hit, it seemed like a normal family, but anything they did for me, I felt obligated to pay them back rather than just accept as love and family. I never did drugs, never got a girl pregnant, I was just an ordinary kid. I didn’t deserve what I was given. I was just a kid. There were good memories, but it seems like the abuse just overwhelms everything else. where there was good memories, it didn’t seem real and more out of keeping the perfect family image to others. I missed out on a lot growing up. Never went to a prom in school, never had a girlfriend in high school, no spring breaks, no parties.. Even my going away party to Georgia, the mother of my friend had to beg my mom to let me go. I played sports, but any little thing I did wrong it was taken away. Anything I wanted, she would take away at any reason and chance. So the only way I could win was to not show any emotion and want nothing. That way I didn’t hurt myself or get upset and I was winning against her. Sorry for the long response, but lets just say I know if I adopted a child, I know what not to do.


Tricia Obester
What were your experiences throughout school related to your adoption? Any positive/negative things your teachers did?

Ben: Being the only Asian in my school was definitely awesome. My greatest memory was in 2nd Grade. My teacher and classmates had a huge surprise party for me for my citizenship day. I was given tons of cards, and food and it was my day. I didn’t think it was such a big deal but they made it out to be so. I was truly happy that day. All my teachers growing up in elementary school were the best, I sometimes felt I had special treatment. As I went into middle school, I had the occasional Asian and chink jokes, but for the most part. I loved school and had many friends. I liked school more than being at home.


Debbie Mann Brown (Dallas / Fort Worth, TX)
How important was it growing up for your parents to recognize and acknowledge your ethnicity? Did they make sure you had people in your life that were Korean. Did they celebrate Korean holidays, make special foods or anything like that?

Ben: I think they tried to do their best. I remember they enrolled me in Korean culture camp when i was 12. But by then, mentally it was as if I was a Caucasian person learning a new culture for the first time. It was foreign to me and reminded me more of my past and anger towards my Korean family. Funny thing was is in the beginning they did try to help me learn and expose me to the culture, but the more I learned and the more Korean I became, they tried to cut off my Asian friends and activities and didn’t support it so much at the end.

Anthony D'Alba wrote on August 12, 2009 at 12:36am
Being a grandparent, I was wondering if you would comment on the influence or importance of extended family members in your life, especially in developing the bonds of love between you and your family.

Ben: I loved my grandparents and extended family. I always enjoyed going to visit and never at anytime did I feel like I was an outsider or not really their grandson. I feel really bad that when I cut off from my adopted family that I disconnected from them as well. They truly showed me genuine love and I thank them for that. They did their best in trying to help me with my immediate family, but they didn’t have no real idea of what was going on. I would of loved to of been raised by them.


Conclusion:
Ben: I hope I answered everyone’s question to the best of my ability. Sorry if i got off subject at times. My experience has shaped me to be the way that I am. I think being raised a Christian had a big impact on what I did and didn’t do. It was one of the few reasons I didn’t commit suicide at times I wanted to. I’m sure my adopted family tried to do their best and only my mother caused most of the hardship. Unfortunately she controlled everything and everyone. Now I look back and I would love to adopt a child as well. I would recommend you adopt someone of the same race, but ultimately if you choose not to, it will be great as long as you treat him and love him as your own. An adoptee's biggest insecurity is not feeling like they belong. Especially if there are other siblings of the immediate family. Also when he or she grows up, let them know that they were adopted and if they wish to find their real parents, support them. If they were truly loved, they will not have that much desire to do so. If they do, it is more out of having closure in their own life, rather than wanting to leave you as his or her family, so don’t be afraid to help out. Having found my biological family after 19 years later, I have closure and find out that i don’t really belong with them either. My experiences make me very independent, but look forward to having my own family and doing it the right way. Thank you.